Are you looking for ways to encourage a friend or loved one suffering but do not know where to start? Read these 10 tips for ways to best uplift someone in a hard and vulnerable season.

This blog post is long overdue—but I believe it is important and will be very helpful for those who are genuinely interested in showing support to someone they know who is walking through a painful time.

As most of you know, I have been suffering with chronic Lyme disease and related issues (co-infections, mold illness, etc.) since spring of 2016. Throughout this journey I have learned many valuable lessons in suffering. For this post, I want to share perhaps one of the most important lessons—and that is learning the best ways to practically encourage someone who is in a season of suffering.

The list I have come up with is by no means exhaustive, but includes tried and true insights from my perspective of walking through a dark and difficult illness. While these are my personal insights, I believe that they will resonate with those who are suffering in any various capacity.

This is a lengthy post but if you can hang in there and get through it, I truly believe it will be helpful!

1.) Ask how they are really doing

If you take nothing else from this post—please take this one point. The best thing you can do for someone who you know is going through a season of suffering is ask them how they are really doing. That’s it!

It may sound really obvious and elementary, but you would be amazed at how few people actually have the courage to ask someone how they are holding up when they are going through a hard time. And look—I’ve been on both sides of the equation now and I know how awkward, silly or even scary it can seem to ask someone how they are doing when we know they are obviously not doing well (even if they are smiling and seem “fine”). But that’s not the point. The point is to show them that you care.

I believe I can speak on behalf of most sufferers here when I say that one of the worst feelings in the world is to be going through a very difficult time and for those you come in contact with (who know the headlines of what is going on) to awkwardly avoid the subject of your suffering like the plague (or worse, avoid you altogether). I believe it is always better to risk the potential awkwardness of possibly saying the wrong thing rather than to avoid reaching out to them at all.

If they are not ready to talk about it or aren’t comfortable getting into details, they won’t. They can say as much or as little as they are comfortable with—but you are giving them the permission and opportunity to share their struggle if they want to. And most people going through a hard time won’t feel comfortable sharing the truth unless they are specifically asked about it. They won’t want to seem like they are complaining, being a downer or burdening you with their pain. But they will feel so very loved and noticed if you ask how they are doing in a way that acknowledges their suffering.

I suggest phrasing your question as, “how are you holding up” or “how are you really doing” rather than a generic “how are you today,” as it shows that person that you know they obviously aren’t “fine” and invites them to share more honestly (even if they are putting on a brave face). Tell them that you are there for them if they ever need someone to talk to. Let them know that you care and are just willing to listen to them. This will mean the world to someone who is suffering.

2.) Acknowledge their struggle

If you know that someone is going through a painful time—try to find ways to acknowledge and recognize their suffering. Sometimes saying something as simple as, “I can’t imagine what you must be feeling,” or “it sounds like this is a really difficult time for you” in your interactions with them can show them that you recognize and take notice of their pain. Sometimes that is all someone needs—for their hardship to be recognized by someone else.

3.) Validate their efforts

To piggyback off the previous point, try and look for ways you can not only acknowledge someone’s pain but validate their efforts in walking through it. I cannot tell you how motivating it is when someone tells me they are proud of how hard I am working or give me credit for all that I am fighting against. The point is—you are acknowledging the difficult work in that person’s life and giving them credit for handling it the best that they are able to. Maybe point out one area that they are handling really well, all things considered. It makes a huge difference.

4.) Avoid pity

There is a fine line between sharing in someone’s pain and grieving with them in a healthy way versus expressing your sorrow for them in a way that tempts that person to self-pity. This might sound a bit harsh—but I believe it’s incredibly important.

Let me explain. I know for me personally, times when I indulge in self-pity are dark indeed. Self-pity intensifies all feelings of sadness, disappointment, frustration, etc. and makes them significantly more overwhelming than they initially were. Self-pity, once indulged, can even lead to despair, hopelessness and bitterness. These dark feelings not only make someone infinitely more miserable, but even hinder their physical health—thereby leaving them much worse off in every single way.

The key is to find a balance between sharing your pain and sorrow for that person’s suffering while seeking to uplift and motivate them to keep fighting rather to wallow in self-pity. Try to avoid honing in on how awful or unfair their situation may be and choose instead to motivate them by encouraging bravery, perseverance and strength to keep fighting. But most of all, let them know that you believe in them! I cannot tell you how much of a game-changer it is when I’m in a rough place but a friend motivates me to keep fighting and shares how they have seen me grow through this. It makes me feel like all of the pain is worth it. Our words hold so much power to encourage others if we let them!

5.) Share encouragement

A great and relatively simple thing we can do for people suffering is share some sort of encouragement with them. Simply reaching out to them with an inspiring quote, Bible verse, or a resource that could be encouraging (book, website, etc.) can have a huge impact. Maybe we write them an encouraging note or a little thoughtful gesture (see this post for practical ideas). Maybe we just let them know that you are praying for and thinking about them. Or maybe, if it’s appropriate, share something with them that will make them laugh. The gesture shows that person that you are there for them and will make them feel less alone in their struggle.

I would argue the best thing we can do is offer ourselves. If we feel comfortable and it’s appropriate, asking to get coffee or meet up with someone (at least offering) is a great way of showing we care. The point is, we are making an intentional effort to reach out to them and show support, however simple that may be, which is always better than doing nothing.

6.) Avoid giving unsolicited advice or suggestions

While sharing words or resources of encouragement is a great idea—be wary of giving your own personal advice or even suggestions. I think we have all received well-intentioned advice from others at times that resulted in making us feel worse in some way. Often times we may have ideas or want to help—but I suggest waiting to give advice until that person has specifically asked for it.

7.) Ask what they need most from you

Sometimes asking straight up is the best way to go. Especially when the alternative is doing nothing at all. That person may not be ready to ask for help, or might not even know what to say, but asking shows that you care and want to help. Maybe say something like, “how can I be here for you in this difficult time?”

Though I would suggest that if that the person declines any help, you defer to point five and try to do something (however small) for them if you are able. Sometimes the times people have gone out of their way to bless me without asking have been the most meaningful and truly encouraging. (Though it’s up to you to judge what would be appropriate based on how well you know them, etc.)

8.) Don’t make assumptions

It’s human nature to want to connect our experiences with those of others. For instance, if we have lost a loved one and then someone we know lost a loved one, it can be tempting to assume that we know exactly what they are going through. While there may be core similarities in those experiences, that does not mean that we know exactly how they are feeling. Everyone has unique aspects to their situations and handles their emotions differently. Sometimes we can project our personal experiences onto someone else and assume we can relate exactly. The problem with this is we can easily make that person feel misunderstood if their feelings are, in fact, different. Or worse—turning the conversation back on ourselves and our situations can make them feel invalidated.

I suggest refraining from assumptions and instead choose to ask questions and listen about their particular feelings and needs. Or if you do feel like sharing your story or personal experiences would be helpful, make it clear that this was your personal experience and are only sharing it in hopes that it may be of some encouragement. Just don’t assume that you know exactly how they feel.

9.) Avoid cliches

I’m just going to throw this out there—I absolutely cannot stand trite, cliche platitudes and phrases. Maybe I’m a little extreme in that, but I believe in 99.9% of cases, cliche phrases are annoying at best and unhelpful at worst. “It won’t last forever,” “everything happens for a reason,” “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” and the absolute worst one ever, “God won't give you more than you can handle.” Even just typing these out makes me so frustrated. Sure, some of these cliches contain elements of truth but someone who is in the dark night of suffering usually does not want to hear them right there.

Many cliche phrases pout empty promises of wishful thinking that sound pretty but grate at the ears of those who have suffered any length of time. I believe there are better ways to share hope and motivation to someone without throwing trite, canned phrases their way and I strongly suggest we try out best to. Again, I think keeping it simple and asking how they are doing and how you can be there for them is the best way to go.

*Side note: As a Christian, I do believe there is a black and white difference between sharing canned platitudes compared with biblical truth from Scripture. I am not saying that we shouldn’t share hopeful scriptures with someone if it’s appropriate. But I suggest being careful, even then, to be sensitive about the way we choose to share verses with a hurting friend and make sure that our attitudes behind doing so are purely to encourage and uplift. People who are suffering are usually in a vulnerable place and I believe it’s very important to be mindful, cautious and sensitive about that.

10.) Don’t put deadlines on their pain

I feel like in our society there is an unwritten timeline for how long it’s acceptable for someone to be grieving or suffering before people think that it’s time for them to “get over it,” “move on,” etc. Whether someone is grieving the loss of a loved one, the loss of a lifestyle due to physical or mental illness or financial issues, or the loss of a job, relationship, marriage, fill-in-the-blank—I think the best thing we can do for someone is refrain from putting a deadline to how long they are allowed to be in pain.

Some suffering is acute and life-changing like a tornado and some suffering is chronic like the steady dripping of rain, but pain is pain. I believe one of the worst things we can do is decide that at a certain point someone isn’t allowed to feel pain anymore. Or decide that it’s not our responsibility to check in on them past a point. How sad that mentality is—and how damaging that can be for some sufferers who may never experience total relief. I strongly appeal to all of us to do our best to be patient with those who are suffering and give them permission to deal with it in their own timing.

Final note: For those on suffering side

I must end this post with a specific word towards those who are on the suffering side right now and going through a very difficult time.

I know when people say things that unintentionally make things harder for us, or neglect to say anything at all, it can be incredibly discouraging. But I would like to encourage us to do our very best to not assume the worst about others in these instances and to give credit to those who have made honest efforts to help. I truly believe that most people mean well and sometimes just don’t know what to do. Or perhaps they don’t know how bad things really are. Of course I wrote this post to encourage such well-meaning people with more specific guidelines, but I believe that it’s up to us to choose to believe the best in the intentions of others rather than jumping to negative conclusions.

We live in such a hyper-sensitive society that is so quick to take offense from others. I argue that there is a better way to live. It does us absolutely no good to believe that people are out to get us, even if we have felt legitimately let down at times. Sometimes we learn who are true friends really are—and while that can be a hard lesson, it’s probably better to learn that sooner rather than later. But even in those worst cases where we have experienced genuine hurt from others, letting go of that hurt is the best thing we can do for ourselves. It’s a hard process, but the reward is worth it.

Final Words

This was a lengthy blog post, so I want to personally thank any of you who read to this point. I hope that these points were helpful for anyone looking to encourage someone in their life who is walking in a dark season. For anyone out there who is walking that dark valley right now, I would love to hear your thoughts. Do these suggestions resonate with you? Are there any that you would add or remove?